what’s happening?

I wake up every day of my life asking myself the same questions: What’s happening? What is life? What am I going to do? And to be honest, I don’t even know. Right now, I’m living minute to minute, just trying to figure out what’s next.

I wonder sometimes if anyone else feels this kind of dread—the weight of not knowing what they want to do. I’m 21. I left school at 18. And I still have no clue what I’m doing. It feels like I’ve done nothing for the past three years… but I have. I promise I have.

I went to university straight after school. I’d applied for drama but didn’t get into my top choice. Honestly, UCAS showing a huge red X as the first thing I saw that morning—super unnecessary. Not cool, UCAS. Not cool at all.

That was the day I realised my brain maybe isn’t shaped for academics. But instead of taking time to figure out another path, I panicked. I applied through Clearing and ended up at Ulster University, sitting in a lecture hall listening to a lecturer talk about Northern Irish policies. And I just sat there thinking: WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Then one day, during a lecture, my boss from the worst job I’ve ever had texted me asking if I could work a shift. And I realised I’d rather go in to work than be in that lecture. That’s when I knew—I didn’t want to be there. So I left uni after six weeks.

I started working full time in that job (which shall not be named, it was awful). But weirdly, having that routine gave me a bit of comfort. That lasted for a while, but eventually, I had to leave. Then came a café job over the summer, and in September, I went back to working in restaurants and started a foundation degree in art.

there are always some good parts of a terrible job !

That year was difficult, but it brought amazing people into my life. One of them ended up becoming one of my bestest friends, and honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without her.

me and my beth (my bethstie)

So I guess I learned something important that year: even when things are really crap, good things can come out of it. I just wish I could remember that now.